This article will cover business as a whole and some of the more common delusions about the lifestyle's of businessfolk as well as highlighting some fun facts you may find useful in the future.
- Ties are actually a primitive method of communication known only to those who work in offices. The selected colour, knot and pattern convey different messages to your co-workers:
Red spots with a double Windsor: 'I am looking for promotion and will happily take on extra work'.
Silver striped tie with a relaxed single Pratt knot: 'Gary has been masturbating at his desk again'. - The high price on printer ink is actually controlled by the greater business community to stop "any bloody commoner" being able to afford to print important business documents.
- Black printer ink is made from 'the sooty clothes of the poor', white printer ink and vintage champagne.
- Hand shaking is seen as a way of asserting dominance in high level business. A power handshake can last for several hours with each businessman trying to impress with the strength of his grip and endurance levels.
Two years ago a handshake between the CEO of Japanese entertainment conglomerate Okamoto industries and US oil tycoon Chuck Willis lasted for over 6 days after which both men were hospitalised for severe dehydration, lack of sleep and 'really sore hands'. - The professional manner of office workers is only displayed when in the public eye. Inside an office, most managers like to run their organisations as semi feral "tribes"; each responsible for a department of the company. This does wonders for inter department competitiveness but leaves corridors littered with the snivelling husks of the weak and office walls are often daubed in faeces conveying stark warnings and primitive office gossip.
- Photocopiers existed for several years before photocopying was actually technically possible. The earliest models were simply the familiar outer casing containing a short person with a camera, a laptop and a small inkjet printer. The loud hum of a photocopier actually serves no purpose and was initially a sound recording played to hide the sound of a very small man eating corn on the cob during breaks in photocopier use.
Re. The handshake, it has long been assumed the a handshake is a well meaning sign of mutual respect, this is however, as you point out, entirely fallacious.
ReplyDeleteI myself have been subject to the Piss Off Handshake many times. The POH as its sometimes known can be distinguished by a sharpened thumbnail which, using his unbridled thumb agility, a mid level manager can press into the fleshy part of a subordinate's hand. Coupled with an iron grip and piercing eyes this is a formidable way of saying "You'll never get my desk".
The mid level manager will often use a phrase like "I'm glad we've put that one to bed" to emphasise the point.
In years gone by mid level managers would chew Doublemint gum, nowadays however a boiled sweet is favoured as mouthwash and dental floss has become a staple of the second drawer of the aforementioned desk.
I will add your findings to my "Factopedia", thank you sir.
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