Myth blasters #2: The office

In this "Myth blasters" series of posts, I will be examining common myths and cultural misconceptions we have about various areas of day to day life.

This article will cover business as a whole and some of the more common delusions about the lifestyle's of businessfolk as well as highlighting some fun facts you may find useful in the future.

1. Ties are actually a primitive method of communication known only to those who work in offices. The selected colour, knot and pattern convey different messages to your co-workers:
   
   Red spots with a double Windsor:  'I am looking for promotion and will happily take on extra work'.
   
   Silver striped tie with a relaxed single Pratt knot: 'Gary has been masturbating at his desk again'.


2. The high price on printer ink is actually controlled by the greater business community to stop "any bloody commoner" being able to afford to print important business documents.


3. Black printer ink is made from 'the sooty clothes of the poor', white printer ink and vintage champagne.


4. Hand shaking is seen as a way of asserting dominance in high level business. A power handshake can last for several hours with each businessman trying to impress with the strength of his grip and endurance levels.
   
   Two years ago a handshake between the CEO of Japanese entertainment conglomerate Okamoto industries and US oil tycoon Chuck Willis lasted for over 6 days after which both men were hospitalised for severe dehydration, lack of sleep and 'really sore hands'.


5. The professional manner of office workers is only displayed when in the public eye. Inside an office, most managers like to run their organisations as semi feral "tribes"; each responsible for a department of the company. This does wonders for inter department competitiveness but leaves corridors littered with the snivelling husks of the weak and office walls are often daubed in faeces conveying stark warnings and primitive office gossip.


6. Photocopiers existed for several years before photocopying was actually technically possible. The earliest models were simply the familiar outer casing containing a short person with a camera, a laptop and a small inkjet printer. The loud hum of a photocopier actually serves no purpose and was initially a sound recording played to hide the sound of a very small man eating corn on the cob during breaks in photocopier use.

Myth blasters #1: Rural life

In this "Myth blasters" series of posts, I will be examining common myths and cultural misconceptions we have about various areas of day to day life.

This article will cover rural life and some of the more common delusions about the lifestyle's of country folk as well as highlighting some fun facts you may find useful in the future.

1. Horses should not be fed apples, despite what cartoons say. Apple consumption is a major cause of horse flu, which when transferred to humans causes involuntary trotting.


2. Cows are often depicted as slow lumbering animals but can actually reach speeds in excess of 50mph and have been known to nest in low trees.


3. Miniature ponies do not actually exist, they are just much further away than regular horses.


4. Farmers 'fork' their hay to check for rural tramps living below the mound.


5. Roosters do not wake farmers in the morning, in fact it is quite the opposite: The roosters "cocka doodle doo" is actually not found in nature. It is a shock response to spying the ruddy arse of a farmer through a window of a morning.


6. The mud on a farm is mainly made up of discarded gravy, carelessly tossed from open windows after the daily 'Sunday lunch'.