Rhys reviews chys #3 - Gouda

In this series of posts I will be reviewing various cheeses and stacking up the positives and negatives against the strong, proud, English cheddar.

Welcome to round three of this, the cheese to cheese scrimmage and its going to be a gouda one. Gouda one, good one, gouda one, no? Fine.

Today's contender comes to us all the way from the Netherlands and if it is anything like its country of origin, it will be geographically baffling (see below).

Here she is, a fine looking slab of cow muck:

Gouda is of course named after the Dutch god of  folding bicycles/pedantry.

Rhys reviews chys #2 - Gorgonzola

In this series of posts I will be reviewing various cheeses and stacking up the positives and negatives against the strong, proud, English cheddar.

Welcome to round two of this clash of the cheeses, this destruction derby of dairy, this milky match up, this mainly bovine bout.

Today's contender comes to us courtesy of the Italians and if it shares qualities with some of Italy's politicians, it could be a bizarre, slightly bitter and in-discretely right wing cheese.

Sounds like some sort of milky rampaging dinosaur.

Italian Gorgonzola, 200g, £2.00,  ASDA

Packet description: "Rich, creamy and tangy, one of Italy's greatest cheeses made in the Lombardia and Piedmont regions"

First taste:

Upon opening the package I was slightly perturbed by the presence of a little water in the packet as this was also present in the previous cheese I reviewed; A sheep based war crime.

I sliced off a slither of the soft white lump. Well I call it a slice, this cheese has an usual consistency, it was more like a slice of very thick gravy that was doing its best impression of a solid.

Upon jamming the morsel into my talk cave I was met with a familiar blue cheese edge, reminiscent of a standard Stilton but with none of the earthy tones. A creamy explosion with hints of  a sharper blue but none of the ferocity.

This is a damn nice cheese, a strong start for the cheeky Italian.

Day two:

After last weeks shock of finding it only took a day for a perfectly good cheese to evolve into a farmers armpit, I was wary when opening my fridge.

My fears were not necessary as my fridge smelled how it always does; of mystery and children's yoghurt's.

For the second tasting I popped some of the Gorgonzola onto a Ryvita (multi-grain of course) and frankly (and rather boringly as far as this review goes) it was delightful. A little stronger than yesterday but still a creamy treat.

Would be ideal for:

People who like a good cheese as much as the next man.
Cheesy pasta and rice dishes.
An evening spent alone, weeping in your room.

Verdict:

It is nice but hard to slice for a sandwich which is basically cheese 101 so the plucky european loses some points on that round.

Do not eat on a Jammy Dodger.

Is it better than a strong cheddar?:

Nope.

Rhys reviews chys #1 - Roquefort

In this series of posts I will be reviewing various cheeses and stacking up the positives and negatives against the strong, proud, English cheddar.

Ding ding, round one in the epic head to head knock out bout of dairy products lining up to take the belt from the incumbent RTC* champion: Strong Cheddar.

*Really tasty cheese

Now I have exhausted my meagre boxing terminology it is time to introduce this weeks cheese and let the contender weigh in (there we go, I knew I had another one, maybe I will take up boxing punditry):

French Roquefort, 100g,  £1.50,  ASDA

ASDA description: "Irresistibly tangy, fabulous crumbled onto warm crusty bread"

This is a picture of some cheese on a lovely little plate.

First taste:

I lifted a small yet adequate cube of the cheese (making sure to include a little blue, a little white) into what can only be described as my mouth hole and was pleasantly surprised.

Look, I am not sheep racist but this cheese is made of sheep juice and that concerned me.

It needn't have been as my taste-buds were met with a crumbly, tart, blue, with a cheeky creamy edge, reminiscent of a Stilton smushed together with a halloumi.

Stilloumi.

A strong start for the French contender.

Day two:

"Why does my fridge smell like a farm? It couldn't possibly be that delicious cheese I ate yesterday, let me hock off a chunk and sling up my food chute."

Mother of god, what happened?

In the 24 hours I have owned this cheese, it has evolved into something all the more sinister. It now has all the flavour of a farm. The whole farm.

It is like licking a sheep and then trying to get rid of the taste using the beasts straw bedding as a rudimentary tongue cleaner.

Each mouthful explodes like a grenade specifically designed to inform the victim that this is in fact made of sheep batter.

Would be ideal for:

• Old people with memory issues who want to remember the family farm.
• People with severely damaged taste nodules (Nodules? What? I am no scientist)
• Hurling across the channel with a trebuchet/ballista.

Verdict:

Like being sucker punched in the tongue by an unwashed sheep farmer.

Is it better than a strong cheddar?:

No.

Review: Stewart Lee, Carpet Remnant World, Hall for Cornwall

“If I was Cornish, I wouldn’t like the English either, after what we have done to you; we destroyed the tin industry, made smuggling illegal and now were taxing your main source of food” – Stewart Lee

It took ten minutes of surprisingly accessible topical material and some localised banter about Cornwall and pasties before Stewart Lee turned on us.

As a fan, there’s always a worry that you will find yourself in an auditorium of people not accustomed to Lee’s post ironic deconstruction of his own routine or the acerbic, condescending and repeated assaults on the intelligence of his audience members, however it was obvious after just a few minutes that I was in good company.