Confessions of a lazy banker

I am here today to make a confession.

Something I am deeply ashamed of (and equally amused by) has recently been uncovered by people close to me and I think it is time to share it with the wider world.

All the people at my local bank branch think that I am illiterate.

They think this because I accidentally suggested it and the lie just snowballed from there.

Now, before you start getting on any of the numerous high horses that I have seen casually munching the extremely moral grass in your back garden, I did not mean for this to happen.

About two years ago I went to the bank to physically put some cash into my account (what is this the nineties?) at the cashier window.

I queued politely and eventually the robot told me where to go (cashier number 3 please), I handed her the money and she asked me if I had filled in a "paying in slip" (what is this, the eighties?) and the dialogue went a little like this...



Me: 'I would like to pay this money in please.' *Dismounts stallion, muscles shining in the light redirected off winning smile.*

Cashier number 3 please: 'Sir, did you fill in a paying in slip?'

Me: *Does not want to queue again* 'I tried to but it went wrong.'

Cashier number 3: 'How do you mean?'

Me: 'This is embarrassing but I am not very good with things like that.'

C N 3: *A look of intense realisation crosses her face* 'OH, that is fine sir, I will fill it out for you.'


I was suspicious that she relented so easily and also at how flustered she became but didn't think much of it.

The next week I sealed my fate after struggling with a form due to an intermittently competent pen.

This was two years ago and now I cannot step in the front door of that branch without staff members competing in spontaneous rounds of 'hang tough'*, grappling each other to decide who gets to fill out forms for me and answer my questions very slowly.

Its gone too far to ever admit the truth. I almost got rumbled once when I started taking notes during a consultation on a loan. Fortunately I realised what I was doing and turned them into some drawings of a lion.

I think it helps that my signature looks like a drunk spider.

* Off of gladiators, innit.